Conflict Absolution
Week 8
Good Conflict, Bad Conflict, and Everything in Between
November 7, 2014
Unlike some people that go looking for conflict to provide them with a source of thrill or adrenaline, I tend to avoid conflict. This is a trait that can be good and bad, depending on the situation. On one hand, I try hard to be cooperative and work with people and be a team player, which I know can be very productive. On the other hand, sometimes I’m overly deferential and look back to realize I should have been more firm in trying to get my way. In one recent disagreement I had, I tried to avoid withdrawing from the problem and instead engaged, and the approach was a productive and reassuring learning experience.
I recently had a particularly frustrating conflict during a conversation with my sister. She was telling me about how stressed she was with the demands of her job and her other responsibilities outside of work. For the past few months, she had an unusually tough workload and had a lot on her plate outside of work while helping a friend put on an event. She said she felt like she was giving too much of herself to others and she didn’t have any time to relax or recoup. I offered some advice that I thought would be helpful -- suggesting that she could talk to her friend and take on fewer responsibilities, or maybe be more diligent in time management at work to have time during her lunch break to relax. After a few of my suggestions, my sister quickly changed the subject and seemed annoyed at me.
After a few long minutes of awkwardness and tension, I asked her what the problem was. She felt like I was telling her what to do and that I was being presumptuous in my advice. She said she hadn’t come to me to have a problem solved, but she had just wanted to vent and to be listened to. At first I was confused and offended, because I was trying to be helpful. After thinking about it for a while, I realized she was right. Instead of trying to be empathetic and just listening, I was trying to attack her problems head-on. But not everything is a problem to be solved. Overall, my sister is happy with her job and the responsibilities outside of work and doesn’t really want to change anything. She just wanted to vent about a particularly stressful time.
Looking back, I now understand how I must have come off. Sometimes I fall into the trap of approaching complex, emotional, and subtle topics like a logical problem that can be solved. I definitely understand how much gray area there is in life and that some things can’t be simply “fixed.” I know that good intentions don’t count for much if you don’t know the right ways to help someone. But I also know how harmful ignoring your problems can be, so I’ve learned to try to be proactive and address problems when they come up. Of course, that sometimes that causes me to be hard-headed and look past subtleties. Thinking back, I’m pretty embarrassed at the way I must have come off during our conversation.
Overall, our moment of conflict and tension was definitely a learning experience for me. Since conflict can make me uncomfortable, I tend to take the path of “withdrawl” on Dr. L. Nathanson’s “The Compass of Shame.” I try to avoid conflict to try to keep my weaknesses and vulnerabilities from people. Over time, I’ve definitely seen how this can be isolating and lonely. In this particular conflict with my sister, I’m very glad I took a moment to try to be empathetic and see the situation from her point of view. Doing so helped us avoid even more of a misunderstanding and kept the problem from drawing out further. After seeing how productive it can be to engage with conflict, I definitely want to try to develop this tendency more.
